


One Shots: Femmes & Hommes

by Mila_Black



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: AUs a plenty, Angst, BAMF Bilbo, Crack, Dragons, Dwobbits, F/F, F/M, FIx It, Genderbending, Love, M/M, Mpreg, Multi, One Shot Collection, Plot Bunnies run wild, Pregnancy, The feels, muse is being weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-13 15:37:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3387080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mila_Black/pseuds/Mila_Black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this will be the home for any random idea that pops into my head.  Updates will appear as I find time to write them. Some will potentially spiral into full fledged fics. Relationship tags as we go. So enjoy the ride and kudos and comments are always appreciated.  </p>
<p>Ch. 1: The queen of Erebor lies in a coma, leaving her new consort to weather the battle of being in charge. Maybe the brother Dis can lend a hand? Bilbo/Thorin<br/>Ch. 2: Tauriel has a surprise for Kili(posting later this evening)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mouth of the Mountain

“So this is the Hobbit?”

Bilbo head snapped up to take in the dwarf that stood in the doorway to Thorin's room. It didn't take long for him to realize that he was starting at her brother, Dis. The two resembled each other enough that they could have passed for twins. There were some differences that easy to pick up on. While Thorin looked like she rarely smiled, Dis looked like he rarely frowned. 

He'd forgotten that his de-facto brother in law was due to arrive in Erebor soon. Not that anyone would blame the Hobbit for forgetting that small detail. He was after all, running Erebor on his own. Thorin had been grievously injured during the Battle and while she had survived, she was not awake. 

Neither Oin, Gandalf or even Lord Elrond had been able to say if or even when she would wake up. Bilbo had no intention of leaving her side.

Rising to his feet he gave Dis a short bow while saying, “Prince Dis. Welcome to Erebor, I trust the journey wasn't too stressful?” The dwarf was still in his traveling attire, meaning he come straight from the gates to their room. Not that unexpected, but Bilbo was still surprised no one had sent a runner to let him know of the impending guest. Then again knowing Dain, it was most likely intentional. The Lord of the Iron Hills was still none too keen on his cousin's choice in partner and representative. Good thing the hobbit had the backing of the entire company, Bard, Gandalf and to a lessor extent, Thranduil. Balin, Kill, Fili and Dwalin had been the most instrumental in getting Dain to back off. As it was even if Bilbo hadn't been given the position, Fili would have been the one to take charge.

 

The dwarrow let out a snort as he walked closer, an inspecting eye going from Bilbo to the sight of his prone sister. “Something like that. Only two groups of Orc raiders, but we managed just fine. My sons were quick to jump to your defense when it was pointed out that the Royal Consort was not there to great us.”

He studied the Hobbit, wondering just what his sister had seen in him. Though if what they said was true and that he was her One, it did not matter what any other dwarrow thought. Of course that didn't explain away the fact she had named him gul'el u Azsâlul'abad, Mouth of the Lonely Mountain. Being Consort alone would have given Bilbo power until she awoke, but this? Thorin had given this small being the ability to overrule her or any other ruler for that matter as long as it was for the good the mountain and those who dwelled within.

Bilbo let out an impolite snort as he fussed with the bedding around Thorin. “Dain knows that I spend my free time with Thorin.” He brushed her hair back from her face, fingers stroking over the growing stubble on her jaw. “You would think by now that he would get over me being Consort.”

Dis, “You are more than just Consort.” Did he not understand all of the responsibility and power he now held?

The Hobbit nodded before turning back to face him, “Yes Balin explained it all to me and frankly I think your sister was out of her stubborn mind. Me? Mouth of the Mountain? I'm a simple hobbit and she expects me to run it all while she just sleeps!”

“A simple Hobbit who has made sure that every caravan from Ered Luin picked up several wagons loaded down with food and supplies as they made way past the Shire. A simple Hobbit who made sure they also received medical supplies and such as they made way past Rivendell. A simple Hobbit who has some how gotten that poncy twit in Mirkwood to supply us with lumber. A simple Hobbit who has worked out an agreement between Erebor and Dale allowing for the Men of Dale to shelter within in exchange for workers and vice versa.”

Dis moved until he was standing directly in front of Bilbo, “A simple Hobbit who came of his own free will to save my mule headed sister from herself and my sons as well. You Master Baggins are far from a 'Simple Hobbit'.”

Bilbo fussed with one of the buttons on his waist coat, “And she should have still picked someone else. What do I know about running a Dwarf kingdom?! You lot are far too stubborn and hate change. Its like trying to herd cats!”

Dis couldn't hold back his laughter any more. He may not have fully understood his sister's actions, but she had clearly chosen well. Dwalin's approval and the boys' had gone a long way but it helped to see it for himself. “Yes well, you just need to yell louder at them.”

He watched the hobbit roll his eyes at him, “Would you like some tea? I was about to put the kettle on when you came in?” Dis nodded and Bilbo headed into the private kitchen the royal rooms were blessed with. To say he was surprised that the other man walked off without a backward glance was putting it mildly. Dwarrowdams were highly treasured and it wasn't uncommon for spouses and kin to come to blow over minor things regarding them. Thorin lay before her brother, vulnerable as a babe and yet Bilbo blindly trusted him to do no ill towards her. One would say that the trust was based simply on the fact that they were kin and neither she nor the boys had anything bad to say about Dis.

Grabbing the other chair Dis sat down and took a long appraising look at his sister. She looked the same as the day she'd set out from Ered Luin, though her face bore a new scar. Bilbo was busy muttering about rock headed dwarfs that he didn't hear the surprised oath that left Dis' mouth as his eyes ran down Thorin's sleeping form.

From a distance what had looked like a fluffed up blanket from her One's mother hening was in fact a distended midsection. Was she pregnant? Shakily he reached out and laid his hand down upon her, the mound did not give. Thorin, who had sworn never to give her heart away was pregnant. Dis didn't know how long he stayed like that, his hand over his sister's stomach, but it was his turn to startle as Bilbo came back with a tray.

“I see you found our little surprise. And no clearly Dain doesn't know and I would prefer it to keep it that way.” The tray met the table rather firmly. “Oin says the babe is fine, and with luck Thorin will wake before the birth.” 

Bilbo poured for both of them and handed Dis' cup to him with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. “I'm sure you're wondering why the boys didn't tell you, yes?” Not waiting for an answer the hobbit continued on, “No one outside of the company knows. Well other than Gandalf and Lord Elrond that is and a small number of servants. They've been vouched for and threaten by Nori and Dwalin. As to the secrecy, I almost lost her before even knowing it could be more than just her. I will not put both of them at risk by having the whole of the mountain know.”

Dis nearly slammed down his cup, “You think someone is this mountain is capable of harming a 'dam and her unborn child?”  
The hobbit shrugged, looking calm “Greed and gold do strange things to people. Nothing is definite, but better safe than sorry. More so when there is at least one dwarf with an ARMY at his call who would if he could see me out of my current position. I won't have my child used as a tool.” He took a slow sip of his tea. Dis knew the next move was his. Bilbo clearly trusted him to some degree and yet...

“And you trust me because I am her brother?”

“On that basis alone? No, no I trust you because if you were truly a threat in any form you'd have never made it to Erebor.” The edge to the hobbit's voice made it clear he was not kidding. 

“Excuse me? And just how would you have managed that?” Dis was caught in the middle of being amused and being insulted. While he'd heard of Bilbo's acts of cunning and bravery there was no way he could take on a dwarf straight forward one on one.

“Its fortunate that we brought along a skilled thief trained in the Art of Death. Nori, may be kin, but a job is a job and his duty is to Thorin and by extension myself. I had him make sure that there was no way that Thorin had been your battering ram to the throne as it were. Sandwich?”

Dis looked for him to the offered plate and then back again. He had been spied on? No more than that, he'd been marked for death if he had proved false towards his sister's quest. The dwarrow should have been insulted. Outraged even. Instead he was suddenly very reassured that his sister and their home were in the right hands. 

“Thank you,” he took one and thought to himself that a short conversation with his cousin Dain was in order. If he couldn't be made to see reason, then a strong suggestion that he leave when the next caravan from the Blue Mountains arrived would the next step. “Well then, now that we have that out of the way, I would like to know more about the one who managed to get my sister to admit she has feelings.”

The hobbit let out a small bark of laughter, “Admit she has feelings? Fili and Kili clearly took some liberty with this story. But if you insist.” And so Bilbo began his tale of himself and eventually of he and Thorin's rather rocky romance.


	2. And They Call It Puppy Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU: Tauriel has a surprise in store for Kili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws self at mercy of readers* Really sorry for the delay. I've been on a dual search for an apartment as well as a new job so my writing time went down to nil. Promise to not be too long with another update.

Chapter 2

Checking her cellphone one last time, Tauriel dashed out of the door of her condo with her fiance. He had gone straight from work to Combat practice which meant she had two hours before he was due to be home. More than enough time to get her surprise in order. Getting into the car, Tauriel sent a message off to Kili's brother, Fili. 

To Fili – Remember to keep him busy today. Do not let him leave early. 

Her future brother in law had been in on the plan from the start. Hell he was hiding all of the supplies she'd secretly purchased at his home. Fili had been very helpful and Tauriel was glad of it. The redhead had grown up with dogs all her life, while Kili had gone without. The death of their father and mildly chaotic nature of their family meant there had never really been time for one. Well that was all about to change once she got to the airport. At the stoplight Tauriel turned her text to speech program on so she wouldn't have to constantly check her messages.

“KK. Just so you know, you owe me. 3:) I take payments in cookies.”

Tauriel could only guess what Kili had gotten up to, but taking a wild guess she was sure it had something to do with Dwalin's new war axes. Kili's heart may lay with Archery, it was how they met after all, but the man never shied away from an opportunity to hang out with his family in Heavy List. It wasn't rare to see whole families involved in the SCA, but the Durins had probably set a record just by sheer numbers. The Shire of Starkhafn had brought them together and neither had looked back. If asked Tauriel would say that she fell for him during the Archery competition, but no she had really gotten all hot and bothered for Kili when she'd seen him and the rest of House of Durin take the field during the Great Western War. They had hit it off amazing quick and Tauriel found more than enough reasons to start showing up to combat practices for Starkhafn. 

Two years later they had gotten engaged at Pennsic, much to the delight of his Uncle Thorin. The tough and often times grouchy looking Viking fanatic had been slow to warm up to her, often referring to her as 'Kili's Elf'. She didn't take it personally though and knew the older man genuinely liked her, he was just as his sister and husband liked to say, 'emotionally constipated'. It had helped that when her brother had challenged Kili to a duel at the very same event, she named herself his second. Legolas couldn't back down, but did concede that even if he beat Kili, she would have left him unable to fight the next day. 

She turned onto the exit for McCarran airport and checked her phone. The plane the puppy was on should already touching down. There was also a message from Kili. That was going to have to wait though until Tauriel had a chance to stop. The SCA was very much a part of their lives and she had a feeling that Kili would love the fact that in a few months time he'd be able to participate in the Hound events Caid was known for. Tauriel parked her car and then exited out into the spring warmth Las Vegas was known for. Checking her phone she smiled at Kili's text

Kili->”Miss you love. Dwal's axes are insane, you should so be here.”

“Miss you too. I'm sure they are and you know its no fun just watching your all run around.” “Yeah yeah I know. HL isn't your bag. H&J for dinner tonight?”

“Nah, can you pick up Roberto's instead?” “Sure. The usual?”  
“Yes please. See you at home.” “Has the eagle landed?”

“Yes. Just waiting for pick up now. Are you coming over tonight?” “Duh. Have to see my new nephew and bring his stuff over don't I? Besides I am pretty sure Kili is going to turn into a 5 year old so really can't miss that.”

While Legolas and she were close, nothing compared to the bond between the Durinson “twins”. A four year age difference meant nothing to them and they were as thick as thieves. Tauriel had a sneaking suspicion that Fili was going to be just as excited. Another ten minutes passed before the clerk left and then returned with the animal carrier, setting it on top of the counter. Tauriel handed over her ID and signed all the needed paperwork before opening the cage.

Tank, which was his creche name, sat in the back of the carrier staring at her with one ice white eye and one brown. “Ohhh aren't you adorable,” she cooed softly before reaching in and coaxing him out. Tauriel nuzzled his red and tan fur as she cradled him. It didn't take long for the puppy to relax and start licking and nibbling at her hair. Deciding that it would just be easier on the both of them, Tauriel carried the puppy in one hand and the carrier in the other. A short pit stop in the grass later and they were soon on the road headed home. 

Having already stopped at the pet supply store when she got out of work(and after Kili had left), there was a small bag of food and bowls already at the house. And since Fili had everything else, all the future bathroom trips for the time being would mean going into their backyard.

Tauriel got them home in no time flat and soon Tank was busy inspecting him new home and one half of his new family. And as she would find out, playing with a puppy and keeping them out of trouble quickly ate up time. The sound of two cars pulling into the driveway had her dashing into the bedroom to make sure Tank was still passed out in his carrier and then back into the living room to tuck away any evidence of his puppy prescence.

“Honey I'm home!,” Kili came bursting through the door as usual followed by Fili. Between the two of them they had all of Kili's gear, plus dinner. 

“How was practice,” she wrapped her arms around her sweaty husband, giving Fili a pointed stare as if to ask why she wasn't given a heads up. The blonde simply shrugged and dumped his load by the door.

“Wonderful as always. Dwal's new axe hit like a beast. We are going to murder them at Pennsic.” Kili pressed a kiss to her cheek as he carried the food over to the table. “So what did you get up to today while I was off fighting the angry horde?”

“Not much. Just ran a few errands and such. Did you remember the jalapenos this time?” Tauriel asked. She knew Kili would be starving so it wouldn't take much to keep him focused on food as opposed to changing first. 

“Yes, my lady I have your pickled peppers right here,” shaking the container at her he started pulling out their food and setting it down. “You know I am surprised you invited Fili over for such simple fare.”

“Hey! Are you saying I'm a food snob?” Fili butted in as he kicked his boots off.

“If that is what you heard brother dear, then I have no defense,” the brunette shot his brother a sly grin. “And no I was just curious is all. Usually you're all fired up to go load the weekly fighter practice vid up to facebook is all. If I didn't know any better I would think you two were up to something.”

He missed the looks the two shot each other as Kili was busy poking at his nachos. There was no way he could know about this...could he? Shaking her head, Tauriel headed for the kitchen, “I'll grab us some beers and you two can finish laying out dinner.”

With her head in the fridge Tauriel didn't see the tiny red blob go walking past her. It took only five more seconds for her surprise to announce himself as tank took one look at both brothers and immediately began to bark. Of course she missed the sight of both of them jumping, as she was too busy banging her head on the fridge shelf.

“What the..? Is that a puppy?!” The loaded chip was halfway to his mouth and Kili let it drop as he watched the pup let out another rolling bark at them. 

“Um, surprise?” Tauriel came over and scooped Tank up. “I know you've wanted a dog forever so I thought,” she was cut off as Kili let out a whoop before running over and planting a kiss on her. Tank however was having none of that and let out a small growl.

“What kind of dog barks at his own owner?” He asked almost indignantly.

“One with you for an owner?” Fili offered up before taking a bite of his own nachos. Tauriel just shook her head and handed the puppy over.

“He's just surprised is all. I mean its has only been the two of us for the last hour or so.” She watched as Kili and the puppy had a meaningful staring match. 

“What's his name?” Tank had seemed to approve of Kili and was trying to nibble at his mouth and nose.

“For right now, its Tank, but I figured we'd pick something that better suits him.”

“I don't know, Tank seems to work pretty well.” Kili cuddled the puppy while Fili quickly snapped a picture and started texting their mother. “Thank you, Tauriel. This is the best surprise ever. Do we need to get stuff?”

“Nope, already covered brother mine. Everything is in the back of the van.” Fili's grin got bigger as his brother turned around to look at him. “You didn't think Tauriel pulled this all off on her own did you?”

“My own brother, plotting against me! Oh the shame of it all. Well Tank I guess its just you who's on my side.” Tank licked his chin and wiggled in his arms. “Come on you lets have some dinner.”

Tauriel rolled her eyes, “You are not feeding him mexican food, hun. He's just a baby and I am so not cleaning up the mess he makes because of it.”

Eventually they all sat down and had dinner, a rather long one given there was a catahoula puppy trying to get their attention and their food. After taking Tank outside and gathering his stuff from Fili's van, they all settled down in the living room. Fili and the puppy were busy playing tug-o-war while Kili stole another kiss from his fiance. “Thank you again Tauriel. This really was a great surprise.”

“You're welcome.” Tauriel gave him a deep hug and smiled. Things were never going to be a quiet as they used to be, and she was perfectly happy with that.


	3. Here Be Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Arkenstone isn't just a jewel and something much more. No beta so all mistakes are mine.

Chapter 3

Bilbo was sure she was imagining things, that was the only logical explanation for how a stone that was once the size of her hand, was now double that. No three times that. Before she had thought the seemingly growing weight of the Arkenstone had simply a trick of the mind. Guilt. Tiredness even, but that clearly wasn't the truth. She stared at the glowing stone as it sat on her makeshift bed tucked away from the others. What in the name of Eru was going on? Stones didn't grow!

Messy gold curls fell into her eyes and she swept them back in mild frustration. Damn Dwaves and their attachment to hair. When she had made it know at Beorn's that she intended to cut the tangled mess back into order, the entire Company had swarmed her with offers to help tame the curls. She sighed softly, missing those days to now. Now the company was divided. Those that were gold sick and blindly following their equally sick king and those who were not, but on the precipice of joining their kin. She did what she could to keep them out of it. Egging Gloin into talking about his wife or little Gimli. Asking Ori about what he thought the Library and archive conditions were. The only one who seemed truly free of either affliction was Kili, though Bilbo would be hard pressed to say why. It was obvious though that her mind was elsewhere. Something, or someone outside of the mountain had the majority of the princess' mind and the hobbit for one, was glad of it.

If only Gandalf was here. The wizard would surely have some answer as to why this blasted stone was acting very unstonelike. It wasn't just the size that bothered her. The stone also seemed to be radiating heat of its own accord. And there was the fact that Bilbo was entirely unable to part with it. Balin's fears that giving the stone to Thorin would not help matters aside, she couldn't bring herself to give it to Thorin. At least not at the moment. Something inside, almost instinctual was telling her to wait. Smaug's words were not helping matters, but it was clear that had he not died at the hands of Bard, he would have returned for the stone.

With a sigh she tucked the blankets she'd nestled around the stone tighter and made her way back to the others. For once the hoard was devoid of dwarves. Following her ears she found them all, except Thorin gathered along the parapet. “What's going on?” she asked to no one in particular.

“Riders.” Dwalin responded with a small look in her direction. Pushing her way forward Bilbo took a look at who was coming.

“Oh thank Yavanna its Gandalf” She breathed out. The knot of worry in her gut started to unravel slowly. It tightened itself back when she took notice of who was riding with him. “What in the blazes is that pompous arse doing here!!” There was no way Thranduil's presence was a good one. Nor would it make the coming conversations go smoothly.

“Nothing good Lass,” Balin replied. Thorin was going to take one look at the Elvin King and declare war right then and there. She had to do something. Fingering the braid in her hair, the Hobbit slowly came up with a plan.

“Dwalin, keep Thorin from here. I don't care if you have to pick a fight with him, just stall him.”

The tattooed dwarf stared down at her. She knew his loyalty was to Thorin first and foremost, but hopefully he wasn't going to argue with her. “And just what are you planning on doing?”

Bilbo brushed any dirt that she could, from her clothing. “I am going to see if I can keep us from landing in the middle of a war we cannot win. Gandalf will back whatever I say and I do not think Bard wants a fight. Reason will win out.”

“You cannot speak for Thorin, you're just..” Gloin started.

“We're all but married save for ceremony. We cannot fight them! And we need Gandalf in this blasted mountain to do whatever he can to cleanse Smaug's taint from the gold.” She stomped her foot and sighed as they all started talking amongst themselves.

“I'll take Balin with me if it helps, but if Thorin sees that git out there, everything we fought for will be lost. He gave his word to the people of Laketown. I won't let his honor and ours be ruined by madness!” When it was obvious they were going to continue talking or rather arguing about the hows and whys and whether it was appropriate for Bilbo to do as planned, she simply turned and marched towards the rope tied to the edge of the parapet. The Hobbit was halfway down before Fili noticed she was gone from their circle.

“Bilbo!” He called down after her. 

“Either join me, send Balin or shut up because I refuse to wait for you all to come to a decision.” Bilbo returned her focus to her climbing. As it was she couldn't afford to loosen her grip and simply slide down. Though to be honest, the rope burns would be worth in. A sudden sway to the rope drew her attention upward. Both Fili and Balin were making their way down. Good. As her Grandfather Gerontius Took was fond on saying, “When a Took lass sets her mnd, its to tread water next to her than to get caught in the backwash.”

She waited for the two dwarrow to join her on the ground before brushing herself off. “Are you sure Bard is going to go along with whatever you're going to say lass?” Balin asked joining her on the ground.

“Bard is going to be looking out for his people first and foremost. Mirkwood might be our neighbors, but we're closer to them. He doesn't want a fight.”

“And Thranduil?” Fili asked.

“He's got no claim to anything right now. He can go soak his head for all I care. Let's go.” She lifted her head and the trio made their way over to the stopped riders. Bard look wearied and she couldn't begin to understand all that he had gone through. Thranduil looked as pompous as ever. 

“Bard, welcome. I know the boys probably already apologized on our behalf bringing Smaug down upon you, but I want to extend my own. Somehow he gleamed from our back and forth than you and your people had helped. We tried to keep him within the mountain, but it appears molten gold is no match for a dragon's scales. Erebor owes you a debt twice over and we will see it paid.” Bilbo bowed her head to him.

“Words are good and well, Mistress Baggins, but they will not feed and clothe my people. They will not house us.” Bard replied. There was no venom in his words, just worry and truth.

“And you shall have more than words.”

“Pretty promises for a halfling. I wasn't aware Erebor had a Queen now,” the elven king threw at her.

Bilbo rolled her eyes as she looked towards Gandalf and said, “Níl Tada Níos Measa Na Bód Ina Seasamh.” The wizard let out a small bark of laughter before muffling it.

“I wasn't aware your mother allowed such language in her smial, Bilbo my dear.”

“Who do you think taught me?” Biblo grinned back at him.

“What was that?” Thranduil looked ready to jump down from his mount to come after her.

“Oh is Hobbitish not something you know? Hmm to think an Elven King could manage to be so uneducated. Though if you prefer, how about this? Nai Ungoliant meditha le”

The angry flush that crept up his face nearly made her take a step back, but Bilbo held firm. Behind her she was pretty sure she could hear Balin groaning at her lack of tack. In for a penny, in for a pound as they say.

“How dare you! You flithy wretch!”

“No how dare you!” She was standing before his horse before she knew it, “You have nothing to gain by being here. You did not come to aid the Men of Laketown. You came to see if we were dead and if you could get your precious white gems! How dare YOU, presume that Erebor was simply a tomb for the taking! You were ready to trap Thorin and the others in your kingdom for a century out of pure spite, when he would not give you what you wanted. And when I managed to get them out, you sent your men after us like a pack of dogs. But please do go on about how you are owed a chest of gems, just because you came barging into our kingdom!”

“Yours? You are no dwarf.” Thandruil sneered down at her. It was clear he didn't know quite how to handle her.

“No, but I do wear Thorin's braid and bead. And as Thorin is indisposed at the moment, I, with his heir and the soon to be Crown Prince as well as his trusted Advisor are hear to treat with our ally, Bard of Laketown. Any business you wish to have with Erebor will simply have to wait until as such time as we are having open audience. Now if you'll excuse me, I have need of a Wizard's wisdom.”

Bilbo turned her back, missing the rising rage on the elf's face and took the short trip to stand again before Bard and Gandalf once more. “Please excuse my, language, but the last few days have not been pleasant to say the least. Now Gandalf, I am sure you have news, both good and bad but might it wait until we're in the mountain? That gold needs tending to and I have a question of a more personal nature for you.”

“Unfortunately Bilbo, the bad cannot wait. Trouble is headed straight for us.” Gandalf shifted in his seat.

“Trouble? What kind?” Fili stepped forward.

“Azog. He and his orcs and some very irate Goblins are making their way towards Erebor.” They all ignored the exasperated noise that came from the Elven King. Clearly he did not believe Gandalf's words. Bilbo and the dwaves knew better though. Having faced off against the Pale Orc already there was no doubt that he would come after them still. And as word spread that the dragon was dead, he would think them weak.

“Cac,” she swore under her breath. 

“Indeed,” Gandalf replied as he dismounted.

“Give me one second,” Bilbo turned to Fili and nodded Balin over. “We can't leave the people of Laketown to face Azog and his army alone. You saw them, most of them probably don't even know how to fight.”

“What are you suggesting, Bilbo?” Balin asked though he was certain he knew where she was going with this.

“We open the gates enough for the injured, women and children to get in and seal it back up. Erebor can stand the siege better the ruins of Dale. And we fight. Azog is coming for us and we cannot simply hide and hope he gives up, or that aid can come in time.”

They looked at each other. She was right. Even if they did try to outlast Azog, the protections of Erebor would fall or they would starve before the siege was over. Nodding to each other they turned back to her, “You're running this show lass, might as well let you have the honor.” Balin smirked at her. This would be interesting.

Bilbo sighed and turned back to Bard. “Bard get your people ready to enter the mountain. We would need a day if we have that much time,” at Gandalf's nod she continued, “We will shelter the women, children and any of whom cannot fight within Erebor's walls. Fili and a few other dwarrow will come to lend a hand just before mid-day. From there we will devise a plan to handle the Orcs. Is that agreeable?”

She watched as the Bargeman considered her words and his options. Dale was no place to make a proper stand with sick, injured and children. After a moment he nodded, “It is. We shall see you then, Mistress Baggins. Farwell.” With a short glance to Thranduil, Bard turned his horse and began the trip back to prepare his people.

As for the Elven King he was clearly still fuming. “And I assume you expect my help as well, halfling?” 

“Help or don't help. But if you think they will leave Mirkwood alone, you're dumber than I gave you credit for. Besides, if they take the mountain you'll never get those jewels. Good day your majesty.” With the curtest of bows Bilbo started back for the mountain. “Come on you three we have work to do and a King to speak with.”

Fili had to fight back to smirk on his face though Balin and Gandalf had long since given up the fight. If they survived this Bilbo would make a fine Queen. Someone had to keep Thorin on his toes after all. Gandalf was the first to catch up with her, no large task of course.

“And what, my girl did you want to speak about?” Gandalf kept his voice low, sensing that whatever she wanted to speak of, was not for the dwarrow to know, not yet anyways.

“Its about the job I was given here in the Company. You could say that something has revealed itself to be more than just a shiny bauble.”

The wizard never missed a step, “Well of course it did Biblo. A child does need love and care.”

“Of course...wait what?!” Bilbo's steps faltered while Gandalf continued walking. Child? What the hell was he talking about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry. Another chapter will be up later today in penance. This chapter and the next two are all possible full stories so feedback and interest is always welcome. And no Smaug is not the parent in this. 
> 
> Translations. I'm modeling Hobbitish after Gaelic.
> 
> Níl Tada Níos Measa Na Bód Ina Seasamh - There's nothing worse than an upright prick.   
> Nai Ungoliant meditha le - May Ungoliant consume you  
> Cac - Shit


End file.
